bathroom etiquette.

don't you love the company bathroom? it's such an awkward place to be in. you sheepishly say hello to coworkers in there before or after they handle their business. my favorite is when you walk out of a stall (because as a guy, you obviously just dropped the cosby kids off at the pool) and someone you know is waiting to use it. you start thinking, "shit, everything better have flushed." or "fuck, i hope i didn't leave streaks in the toilet bowl".

for me, my goal is to get in and out. i'm not trying to kick it and read the entire article in time about the demise of our generation. i have my desk at work to do so.

what i don't understand is how people are able to chat on the phone while in a public restroom as they are handling their internal business. i don't need to hear you talk to your girlfriend about what she is making tonight for dinner, or that your UPS package has arrived in the mail, and i surely do not need to know what time you are going to the doctors for your annual physical and whatever else you are getting checked out.

in addition, the heavy breathing and occasional "oh yeahhhh" is leading me to believe you are doing more than #2. sure, pooing is relieving, but if you're making an O-face while doing so, then i need to know what kind of fiber you are consuming.

did you forget you are at work in the bathroom with several other dudes? and please do not look at me while i am peeing because the only eye contact i want to make is with the tile in front of me. thank you.